When the lover leaves. Coming back to you.

When the lover leaves. Coming back to you.

Have you ever spent a sweet lil chunk of time with a lover… completely in-the-moment, enjoying deeply, present… only to find yourself overwhelmed, anxious, attached, sad, or in a funk when he/she leaves?

No chance at all that you are alone.

This is a common theme for women. 

The explosion of ecstasy and consciousness that said partner brings (hopefully) gets paired with a removal of the small/shadow self for said time together (more so if you’re working on being in your essence) and the body is left afterward in an auric field of energetic outburst.

Basically, your own energy field gets so intertwined with this person that when they leave, it can feel challenging to come back to your own space in ease.

Many of my clients share that it takes about a day or two to get back into the flow of things… and that at least some anxiety is present the whole time. We can feel overwhelm and numb ourselves with food, wine, or TV etc… and then end up feeling as if we “lost” the beauty that was created with lover present. 

Sensitive souls in particular- empaths- can take on another persons energy like… stat. We can often absorb peoples feelings and moods, and so we need to find ways to again and again let that go. 

On attachment

This post-love craving is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. Attachment is primal. The body naturally goes there; especially when theres love making added in to the mix. Its quite easy for the body to become attached to love; in large, its part of the reason as to why we’re here… so the subconscious clings. 

Attachment is ‘normal’– but to live feeling independently and happily free on your own, to set the other free… to be empowered in your individual field… much work to drop the strings is a necessary act.

This work starts before lover arrives, continues while lover is with you in bed and beyond, and definitely rounds itself out when the lover leaves- (this is the time where all the attachment fangs of “come back, come be with me” show face.)

I’m going to share with you all of my favorite tools to help you remain in your Self, so that you never have to share, “I seriously lost myself,” to your sisters again. But first: aloneness. 

If you’e already doing the work, you know that the most effective and intimate relating happens when you’re relating most deeply to yourself; your inner world, your child self, alive in your aloneness.

“After being in tune with your aloneness, you can relate; then your relationship will bring great joys to you, because it is not out of fear. Finding your aloneness, you can create, you can be involved in as many things as you want, because this involvement will not be running away from yourself anymore. Now it will be your expression; now it will be the manifestation of all that is your potential.” – Osho

Master your relationship to alone

Friends, family, lovers… they come in to our lives… we spend massive time in the mix… but at the end of the day, you only have you.

Making love to the aloneness.. finding yourself in it.. is the first place to start.

Feeling your feelings. Becoming the beloved itself.

This is the work to do in this lifetime. This is part of the feminine plan.

Think about it: if you have any resistance at all within you to being alone… you create friendships and partnerships out of a fear of Self instead of integrated aloneness and outpouring of that internal love.

I encourage times of deep solitude.. cleanses of anything and anybody outside of you.

The only way to feel good alone is to feel shitty alone and coach yourself through the uncomfortable feelings that come up. 

The more resistance there is to being alone, the more “lover hangover” you will feel. 


My favorite thing to do before going into a date is to nourish my essence. Doing so helps me step into an experience with a focused core instead of a scatter-brained Self.

An essence exploration pre-date could look like moving my hips sensually back and forth to some juicy music, taking a sauna and/or a bath, or enjoying a tonic.

However, my favorite way (and the way I use most often) to get into my yummy feminine flow is to do some Jade Egg and Sensual Self Care practices.

Not only will you radiate lovelight to your person by doing so, but you’ll feel self-confident and in tune with your pussy, your heart, and your needs. 

Introducing: Sensual Self Practice. I created this free lil ebook baby to share with you 5 of my favorite sensual practices to embody goddess confidence daily.

You can do all of them in this before phase for a generous connection with yourself.

Download it here!

The other thing you can do beforehand is simply set an intention to be connected to yourself the whole time.

We usually get taken out of Self when we go into people pleasing and forget what we need.

Remember: you only want people to fall in love with you, as you… not the you who you think you should be for them. 


Stay focused on what is. Drop expectations for later. How present can you get without drawing strings on what that means for tomorrow?

“I will write you poems of love, even though tomorrow you may not be my lover.”

Call forth whole lot of vulnerability with opening and being engaged… while still relaxing into the unknown.

Take care of yourself. I used to have a hard time with this one, believe it or not (from the self care seductress herself!).

I’d stop my morning or nightly ritual and tell myself that “I can take care of myself better another day.”  That was a no-no!

Now I’ve learned that to feel on fiiiiiya with lover present and when lover leaves, I must nourish myself as I would alone.

It’s honestly the small things. Taking a shower before sinking into bed. Washing your face. Placing your hands on your breasts and taking 20 deep breaths aligning with the highest vibration of love. 

Do the things that make you feel the most comfortable in all regards. Forget what it looks like. 

It’s easy to ‘perform’ for person and put self aside, but this is exactly what you want to start catching yourself doing (in the act) and dropping, so you are in alignment with your Self.

Perform for your higher self. 


This is when all the attachment antibodies rush to the surface, overwhelm can take over, and the brain can move to rapid-fire thought and incessant worry- “What comes next? What do I do now? Will I be able to sustain this love?”  

The first thing I find to be of importance is to get into some practices that simply remove energy from the body and auric field.

Soak in hot springs or take a salt bath. Get into a sauna. Expend energy on a run. Do a coffee enema. Cry if you have to. Dance. Tap it all out.

Basically go into divine self care mode with the intention of release, and coming back to you.

Definitely take a shower- get water over you- and lovingly wash yourself like you are removing any outer energy from yourself. 

Get grounded. When we increase our level of pleasure in life, we need to also increase the amount of grounding we do too.. or else we are setting ourselves up for a massive crash.

How many times have you had an eye-opening, bliss-filled, expansive experience only to find yourself drained and numbing the pleasure away when its over?

Connect to the Earth and ground yourself and you’ll start seeing that phenomenon lesson. 

When I teach grounding to clients who are increasing their pleasure muscle, they experience less or no need to overeat or numb out in any way.

Take a nap in a park. Go for a walk. Or simply lay down and breathe expansion into your heart.

Plan your day for the highest. I think one of the things that happens is that when the lover leaves we can feel discombobulated. I know in the past I’ve felt like “Uhmmmmmm….k…. what now?!” 

This is actually a blessing… to be so enveloped in love and feeling! Aaaaaaaand, its gotta go. 

I downloaded this beautiful journal practice today and it was uber helpful. Try filling this out when the lover leaves.

I write…

I practice…

I serve…

I sweat…

I move…

I drink…

I embody…

I speak…

I believe…

I love…

I call…

I trust…

I work on… 

Let’s call it your feminine schedule for the day. Of the highest.

Example: I believe… in myself and my creativity in the world. I work on… channeling my wisdom into the world with inspiration and ease. Etc.

Do one thing that embodies who you are. What makes you feel so ‘you’? Home. Alive. Awake. Do that.

I choose to write, move on my yoga mat, learn something new, spend time in nature, dance, and/or create art for you.

Lift your vibration. One of my favorite ways to do so that I want to offer you is listening to Abraham Hicks on YouTube or downloading a new David Deida recording and going to town! (These are two of my favorite teachers.) It’s simply a way to tune your radio station into something supportive, so the brain doesn’t run in circles trying to ‘figure things out.’ 

Love is inherently embracing death

To love anyone is to embrace and accept the fact that this person may no longer be there in an hour, tomorrow, in five years.

That’s scary as hell and the most insanely beautiful practice in the world.

The only thing constant in The Universe is change.

And you.

When the lover leaves, ask- “How can I integrate that experience and get back into my own flow? How can I give myself equal, if not more, love?” 

I’m curious: what is your usual experience when the lover leaves?

I love you. And I hope it only gets better after reading this. 





leave a love note

Ashae Sundara is a leadership coach for the most magical women on the planet.

Her life’s work is in healing the universal feminine heart.

Money. Embodiment. Energy. Sex.  And Soul.

Download your Free Naturally Erotic Meditation by Clicking the Image Below

Recent Posts